...later on

Today was one of those days where I found it impossible to concentrate on one thing, and my mind kept jumping from one thought to another..
"oh, i feel sick"
"fucking hell, get your mind out of the gutter"
"i didn't mean to dream that"
"and god i wish i hadn't dreamt it"
"stop staring, you're being obvious"
"god i hate her, she's such a bitch"
"i actually wouldn't mind if everyone died"
"thats a massive lie"
"what a fucking prick"
"is it normal to think this?"
and etcetera.
Which kind of disturbs me, as most of the things I think are completely innapropriate, and as I am writing this, indeed, I'm thinking of a very annoying STUPID subject, which is starting to annoy me greatly, as ever since the other weekend, I finally realised something, and from then on I've been trying not to think about it, to get myself to stop feeling it, which by the way never works, so if you're trying to stop thinking about something, don't tell yourself not to think about it, because you inevitably do. (think about it I mean)
Probably speaks for itself, as I'm not making any sense whatsoever, what that's actually about.
Fuck I hate males.

baby, you're the one to blame

I want to be a sort of eclectic mysterious woman, who could wear a feather mask and get away with it. Except that's a lie, I just want to have a masquerade party and wear this

mmmm yess

I found this on filthy lust.

It's just amazing, and I really really want it baddddly! It's so pretty and sexy at the same time, and I can just imagine me walking around in my parisian apartment, wearing it and nothing else, except for maybe a flower in my hair. Nice bit of imagery there.. hah.

Lakasha

I also thought I'd just mention I'm slightly obsessed with listening to french jazz, drinking coffee, and inducing a huge feeling of longing and nostalgia. Not sure why, it's probably not even good for me.

I feel blue - Lakasha
La pluie qui tombe - Daniel Darc
J'attends - Hocus Pocus
Pâle Septembre - Camille
Qui De Nous Deux - M
Partie de Golf - Ridan
Le Jeune Homme Changé en Arbre - Jerome Attal

are just a few.
Actually only like one of those is kinda jazz (smooth of course). But still, it's nice to listen to and also to help fall into a kind of weird depression that is actually really a massive turn on. Not in that way, but it's really pleasant. Yep, just another obvious reason I'm way too fucked up for words.
Yeahh, off to get ready for work now. I'll get frostbite. X

my body is a cage

I had a dream a few nights ago that my imaginary dream man promised me he'd break up with his girlfriend for me. Which probably tells you something about my subconcious self.. And that is, that I most probably have serious issues. Commitment, jealousy, fidelity issues to name a few. I don't think it's a particularly good idea to try and psycho-analyse myself, because as I have mentioned in previous posts, I'm way too fucked up to even think about doing that.

Formal and after-party were on, this weekend just gone. Probably the best night of my life, except for when I got a bit too emotional, which was a combination of alcohol, high emotions (which were already occurring), and way too obvious revelations (that I already knew about - mainly because they were in my head) that really fucked me off, due to them almost ruining the night. But I didn't let that happen, and continued with my night (even though I'd cried off all my eye makeup.. pathetic!), until about 7 oclock in the morning, slept for 2 hours on the floor of someone's car, and woke at 9, still really quite intoxicated.


Just before getting into the stretch Hummer we'd hired (god knows why..). It was truly amazing though, best ride down to the city I've ever had in my life.


Me and Rrrrrraaachel in it, being pretty happy due to the amazingness of the night


Me, on the left, H in the middle, C on the right. I really don't know why I wore such little clothing. Oh well.

yeah

I feel like such a lesbian right now, because I'm printing 8 whole pages of pretty girls. I actually am though.. It is for my hair and makeup appointment tomorrow, but still, it's a tiny bit freaky. Not that I mind though, they're all really really hot. And I may possibly actually have a girl crush on Kaya Scoledario (I thiiink that's how you spell it..). But I actually do. Well, it's more of a 'I want to be her' type crush, as opposed to 'I want to have sex with her' thing. Anyway, I love her. But I suppose if someone is half brazilian, they're bound to be really really sexy.

my lord, he hath importuned me with love

We're doing hamlet in english at the moment, and boy oh boy it makes me want to kill someone. On the rare occasion the language Willy Shakespeare uses actually strikes a chord, I feel inclined to write it down, as the rest of the play is fucking vague and depressing. I can't believe that everyone just dies. I reckon that if you're tempted to write a play about 'regicide' or whatever, where everyone ends up dead, you should probably just stop, think, and not do it.
Ok, that was a bit of a lie, I actually like hamlet, it's probably something that everyone can relate to - unrequieted love and all that.

Formal tomorrow night, and oh I'm really quite excited! Apart from the digital camera mummy bought me yesterday doesn't actually register when I plug it into my laptop, so apparently I'm not going to be getting any photos off it after tomorrow! Which is a bit disappointing! But I'm so excited for formal, I'm not going to let it get to me, and I'm going to continue putting exclamation marks after every sentence!

As anyone who pays any attention to my life would know, our bathroom is being renovated, and unfortunately it's not going to be finished before tomorrow which therefore means that I can't have a proper shower before formal, which also means that when I try to exfoliate and shave, all my dead skin and hair will go all over me seeing as we only have a bath. Which means EW. And this also means that when I wash my hair, the shampoo and conditioner will probably not come out properly which really shits me off. I really hate builders!

But I'm pretty excited because my dress is so good, and so's all my jewellery and stuff. And anyway, we actually have an after formal party which is so good, and before mum told me not to vomit there, and then went on to tell me about how at her 21st birthday party, she drank too much, and vomited all over herself, which I am proud to note, I have never ever done, and never ever plan to do! Especially not tomorrow night!

I am currently listening to Josh Thomas and 'friend' podcast which is absolutely fucking hilarious, so I seriously recommend downloading it. It's really awkward and like funny because they're both just so cute hahaha. And that is why I'm a bit distracted, apart from thinking about formal.. Anyway, I'm going to go exfoliate in my own dead skin bath now. I'll probably have a really good time though.

Stanley

I'm fairly sure there's a difference between being scared of dogs, and not wanting to go near them. For example, when me and Maman were in the camera shop before (ps, she bought me a new camera yayayayay I loove her so much!!), bargaining with the camera man, there was a massive bark and both me and mum yelled our heads off, and the camera man laughed. He then proceeded to pull away this curtain that was covered the entrance to the back of the shop, to reveal the most butt ugly (but still somehow cute?!?!?) dog I have ever seen in my life.
A bull terrier I think it was. Anyway, the camera dude tells me to go pat it, and I hesitated, because I haven't had the best experiences with dogs.. But he insisted, so I walked over and patted Stan the dog on the nose, and he fucking bit my arm. I really really don't like being near dogs. I'm not scared of them, they're just shit.

um yuck..?

I just ate a bowl and a half of soup, a mars bar, and a tub of cottage cheese. Yuck, how disgusting. But there's finally an after party planned for after formal this saturday night yay! Planning on staying up the whole entire night, so yeah I'll be a pretty sight sunday morning. Plus it's being held in marquees, in a paddock.

Customers are so odd, you really get the weirdest people coming into work sometimes. This evening, a lady came into work, with her son I guess, and spent about an hour (not even joking), walking around the shop picking things up and putting them down again. Except that's not really unusual, coz she does it every 3 weeks or so.. but anyway. And then, after spending ages in the shop, she went to the checkout and bought $102 worth of groceries. Really? Did she need that much stuff? No, not really. Don't think she could afford it either, seeing as she asked for the eggplants to be weighed and when they cost more than a dollar, she was like "no, I won't be getting those today". WELL STOP FRICKING PICKING UP UNNECESSARY THINGS YOU STUPID BITCH. She then proceeded (after she's payed for everything), to roll a cigarette, the slowest I have ever seen anyone roll one, and I MEAN anyone, in the fricking shop, and then light it just outside the door, so it blew in and the shop stank like smoke for the whole entire time we were packing up. Alright, I shouldn't really mind about that, but she's just so frustrating and slow and I'm fairly sure if I wasn't such a nice person I would've hit her by now.

There's also a man who comes in who actually looks like a bad 90's porn star. I don't even know what that means, but it sounds about right. And today I served a lady who at the end of our 'interaction' I suppose you could call it, asked me where I lived. I lied, and told her some random road and she replied "ohh it's lovely up that way, you're pretty lucky". Yeah, I think she's a bit crazy.

???

I just spent 47 unnecessary minutes on the internet, when I could've been sleeping, and when I finally snapped out of my induced stupor, there was a baby huntsman sitting on the floor, right next to my bed. And now it's climbing up the skirting board, trying to get into bed with me. Fuck spiders. Except fuck school even more. In 7 and a half hours, I have to be up...

late late

Having no bathroom is hell. I do not envy homeless people, or the less fortunate than me (usually), who lack showers on a daily basis. I actually started crying before because I was craving a shower so much, and I couldn't have one. I really think these builders are like a test from God or something equally ridiculous - how long can this family survive without equipment to wash with. I mean really.

I feel like getting really fucking drunk, and lying on my floor pretending to be a starfish. I'd probably freeze to death though. Shit. Oh, and I have school in the morning. Great, I have to wake up at 7, to go and stand on the front verandah with a couple of buckets to wash myself with. Especially my hair. Ugh life is way too hard. I'm going to retire after I finish this year, and move to France, so I can eat croissants and drink coffee all day. I'd probably get really fat though. There's actually a downside to everything.

Saturday, 18th of July

I had the funniest night last night. What started off as a night with a tonne of possibilities, turned out as a hilariously shitty night spent dancing round my best friend's house being an absolute idiot, and then watching rage until 12.30, going to bed, and talking about dare I say it, vaginas, until 2am. And, she thought, until I enlightened her with my extensive knowledge about the subject, that girls actually pee out of their vaginas. Hahaha, I'm not even joking, and it's actually really sad that no one had thought to tell her that there's actually another hole for that.

Now, I'm holed up in my crap bedroom, that looks like a pit, because I haven't cleaned it in about 16 weeks, watching 90210, on a saturday night, feeling like I want to hit someone, because there's apparently nothing on tonight, and everyone's decided to suggest I have something at my house, even though it's getting renovated, there's nowhere to accomodate people who probably want to play drinking games, and I don't really feel like getting drunk in front of my mum tonight.

Yippee. Except I think there might be some party on in some obscure place that I've never even heard of, which Rachee probably doesn't want to go to because it's too freezing cold, but maybe we'll end up going there. I've got no idea. But I think I'll have a breakdown if I don't do anything tonight, seeing as I really have a massive urge to go out. Haha.

But anyway, I found these pictures, and they just massively inspired me. To do what, I'm not so sure, but some inspiration is better than nothing, even if you don't know what to do with it, right?

bla bla bla

I guess there are first times for everything. Today was my first time for peeing in a bucket. It sounds feral, and it really really was. I woke up at 11.30 and really had to go, but the builders were in the bathroom and I didn't want to ask them to leave, so I waited. And waited. And waited. And at like 3, I couldn't hold it anymore, so I found a bucket, sat on it, and peed. That's actually so gross hahahhahaha.
Anyway, I'm getting my hair cut today, finally, after like a year, so yeah I'm pretty stoked for that. My life is so eventful, what an awesome day it has been so far! Dad's up here for the day, helping mum move furniture around, and now he's sitting in the back room watching David Bowie on DVD. Cooool. Anywho, back to 90210, I'm a little bit addicted.

atchoo

I am so hungry! And it's almost midnight, I mean really, what's up with that?? I've also been doing absolutely nothing all evening, due to my extra crap chest infection/bronchitis, which I'm on antibiotics for, great. However, I did get in a lot of research about hair for formal.. well not research as such, just lots of pictures of how I want my hair to loooook for my formal, which is in.. 10 days! And we still don't have an afterparty planned! Oh god! Nevertheless, I think it'll be a sexy night in general, because of me mainly, and how I'm planning to look like Megan Fox, minus about 3 feet and just about 10 times less hot hahahh
Anyway, the bathroom is shit, is taking forevvvver to finish, and I'm so sick of having two fucking random guys in my house!
I just read that sentence again and it sounded like I'd had two random guys in my house who I was fucking. I'm not, although I'm pretty sure the younger one is in love with me hahaha.. im really just joking though.
Hmm, I think I might go ferret around in the kitchen for cheese or something. Speaking of cheese, I spent like $15 on cheese at the market the other day. Hello big spender. But really, on cheese? How did I even manage that? And what's even more disgusting, I ate all of it the same day. Yuck. However, while at the market, having coffee at Lucia's, I fell in love with one of the (do you call them waiters at a coffee shop?) coffee-makers/waiter/sex gods who work there. He is absolutely divine, and knowing my luck with romance, also probably gay. And since buying $15 worth of cheese there (ew), I've gone back about 6 times to try and get him to fall in love with me too (I am NOT actually a stalker, I just don't take no for an answer), but to no avail - he doesn't work then I guess). I'm going back this weekend for some more coffee (and probably some more cheese too, no point in not being honest).

i'll admit

I just went to see the newest Harry Potter movie, and dare I say it, malfoy is quite the hearthrob now hahah

definately worth watching, just to see him get in touch with his emotional side haaha, but really. I'm in love

am i dreaming? probably

Wow, ok I think I may possibly have to break up with my fiancee for this amazingly gorgeous perfect boy..
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sweet

I hate working on things in the holidays. Not that there's probably anything else to do, seeing as it's about -35 degrees outside, and pelting down with rain most of the time. I went to the doctor this morning, and apparently I have chest infection or something. Yeah, that explains why I've been feeling like SHIT for a week.
Meanwhile, I found out that the doctor I saw, retired about 35 years ago and spent his retirement (before being a doctor again?!?! why would you do that..?), on the French canals of France, with his wife, on their barge, boating around.
I would so love to be doing that right now. It's summer in the Northern Hemisphere, and I would so much rather be there than here right now, due to everything being shit, horrible, and absolutely disgusting.
I look like crap, my lungs have actually collapsed (probably, they feel like it), and we have no bathroom, therefore I haven't had a proper shower for like 4 days. I've just been washing myself on the front verandah with a cup and a bucket, and its really fucking cold out there, not to mention the concrete floor I have to stand on, naked, for like a full 10 minutes, in the bloody rain.
And I have to hand in my special study about childcare (who in their right mind would write 2000 words, willingly, on children?? I dont understand the world), in, oh, about an hour. My life is disgraceful. My room is a pit, and I think I'm going to become a hermit, and only come out of my house once every 10 years, to experience civilisation. Fuck that, every 20 years. Welcome to my new life.

skin is skin

Yesterday, I went to see Coco Avant Chanel. It was amazing, and I fell in love with Alessandro Nivola, who is, thanks for asking, my future husband. Just before it, I dropped in to a shop which was open on a Saturday night at 9?!? I like odd opening hours, they make spending money so much easier. And anyway, I dropped in there, and bought two berets, which I obviously really needed. One dark grey and one black, and they're absolutely lovely. Bit of a bargain too.
So anyway, my outfit last night consisted of black biker boots, a black jacket, black skirt, and black opaque stockings. And apparently black is the 'lazy' colour (mum told me that), which totally makes sense, because I really honestly can't be bothered most of the time. And she also said that most people wear black because it's slimming, which is actually, at risk of sounding really stuck up, to be honest, the real reason I wear it. Hahahahha.

In Coco Avant Chanel, she, played by Audrey Tautou (who I would also be marrying, if I wasn't in love with my actual fiancee, Alessandro, and also if she was a boy), says 'black is the only colour that shows off your eyes'. And so, to anyone out there who thinks black is funerally, and crap, I say 'what do you know' and 'its slimming' (haha), and 'its really a heaps good colour'.
Yeah ok, I'm biased, because I think I look pretty damn sweet in black, but whatever.

je ne sais pas

I’M SO EFFING BORED! I really dislike this feeling, that there is literally nothing to do. Actually I’m not bored; I just hate doing homework in the holidays. And I really hate there being other things that I would so much rather be doing, like watching television, or eating or something! And I hate being sick, it’s so crap. I wish I wasn’t sick, and that all my homework was done, and that I had 90 million dollars. And I also want to be in Sydney.. But it’s a bit useless hoping really. Nothing’s (obviously), going to change.
Listening to Heart Full of Wine by Angus and Julia Stone, oh it’s beautiful. I’m going to teach myself to play it on the guitar! I’m so excited, this is my project for the holidays.
Today, I didn’t end up buying magazines or Russell Brand’s autobiography, or clothes. I paid my phone bill. But I did buy some nailpolish. And I have extra money, which I should probably use to pay the rest of my phone bill. But I really can’t be bothered, and it has to last me for the rest of the holidays basically! Which it’s obviously not going to do, if I use it on paying stupid bills. I’ll probably end up buying food and alcohol, and crap clothes though.. hahaha.

lalalalla

I don’t actually think I will grow out my fringe. Except I might. Because I think I look good without a fringe. But it’s just so quirky, which I liiike.. And no one else I know has one. Shit. Such a dilemma. At the same time, I have a really nice Indian scarf. But, I’ve a feeling I’m going to get my heart broken soon. Damn.
Ps: Listening to Memories by Waldeck.

So chic..

Listening to Breakeven by the Script. I think I’m going to grow out my fringe. And I think I’ve developed a dependence on painkillers.. And butter menthols..

so frenchy..

I am
- Painting my nails gunmental grey. Hahaha gunmental. I meant gunmetal.
- Listening to So Frenchy So Chic
- Coughing my lungs up, and wishing that I didn’t have such a bad cold
- Wishing I had 90 million dollars
- Wearing a short silk skirt, which is amazing, but it makes my legs really cold
- Sort of doing my special study (but not really)

List:
- I need some kind of physical contact before I go completely insane from the lack of it
- ‘Chaos, order, what will it be?’

I’m really bored, so I’m ‘liking’ literally everyone’s status on facebook. Even the people I don’t even know. I have such an awesome life! Hahahah. But I’ve recently discovered (as usual), that if one day I hate everything, it mostly happens that the next day I’m absolutely ecstatic about everything. I really don’t know why, but it just happens like that!

the sky looks like it could weep

Today I sat in a Catholic Church for about 10 minutes, just to escape from the bustle of life, but also to rest my poor blistery feet for a second. It was really peaceful, but melancholy, and had a sense of dejection as soon as I stepped in the door. I’m literally in the most depressed mood right now, I feel like everyone I know only spends time with me, or is friends with me because they can get something out of me – my friends use me as a listening ear, or advice, someone to bitch to, my family plainly just someone to abuse (except maybe my mum), and any boys that I know, well that just explains itself – and it feels really fucking shit. I had a little bit of a cry in the kitchen before, when I made myself a cup of tea, and it burnt my tongue and tasted terrible, so I started tearing up, and smashed the cup into the sink.
It’s strange, because when I woke up this morning, I felt sick, and tired, but not sad or anything, and I washed my hair, pinned up my fringe, curled the ends and felt like I was channelling Effy Stonem, because I put on lots of black eye makeup and wore my biker boots out. But then I got some shitty messages, and later, got told shitty things about myself, and certain situations, and my mood went down the plughole. Not to mention I have no money whatsoever, and I can’t even talk because I’ve got the flu. Really, everything sets me off these days. And my ears hurt, and I can’t stop coughing, and I want to go home, except I have to stay at dad’s this week because we’re getting the bathroom renovated at home, which is ok, but I found out this morning it’s going to take a lot longer, so I’ll probably have to stay at dad’s for some of next week too, and I really don’t want to because his house smells like smoke, I’ve given up smoking, and I have a terrible cough so that’s not helping, and also I had a giant fight with him last night, and I never have before, and neither of us have apologised and it’s really weird and horrible but I figured out why I said some things to him, namely “you’re a fucking bastard”, and I’m fairly sure it’s because I’ve never expressed my pain to him before, and even though mum and him split up like 9 years ago, I’ve never talked to him about it, because it’s just something that we don’t do.
And, as usual, my life is so dull, and I wish I had a car, and somewhere to drive to. I would steal dad’s car, but the bloody battery’s flat, and it’s not registered or insured, and I don’t want to be shot. Or just somewhere to go, and drink and forget about everything. Or someone to do that with. I honestly feel right now like I have nothing to live for. Except my formal shoes maybe, or my biker boots, or my hilarious conversations about sex with Maman, which, by the way, made my day yesterday. But apart from that, everything is so monotonous, and uninteresting, and I feel like topping myself.
It probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to Starry Eyed by Ellie Goulding (which by the way, is the song that I listened to for days on end after a recent romance, and therefore always reminds me of said boy, and makes me sad and nostalgic every time I listen to it, even though it’s a brilliant song, and for that reason, I won’t stop listening to it just because of the way it makes me feel), and wearing all black..

or that the sky outside looks like it could weep. Bit of nice shit poetry there. Or that I have no one to talk to about my feelings, because I don’t want to offload my shit on anyone, and maybe I think it’s not all that important? And it’s getting dark, and I want to do something that makes my life worthwhile. Oh, and a bit of trivia, I always manage to fuck things up with everyone. And I always manage to fuck things up for everyone. I really think I have some kind of psychological problem, where I need to ruin things as much as I can, for me, and all the people close to me, and even for people who aren’t close to me.
But at least tomorrow I can develop my spending addiction, due to pay day, and probably buy some clothes and nailpolish and a few magazines maybe, and Russell Brand’s autobiography. I don’t even want it, but I’ll probably end up buying it anyway. And a new scarf, even though I’ve got three new scarves in the past week, one of which Mum gave me (actually she got me all three of them...), and I can’t find it anywhere which is really horrible because I love it so much! Actually, come to think of it, it’s probably in my room at home somewhere, under a pile of clothes or something ridiculous like that.
Enough of my whingeing, but in all probability, I’ll probably whinge some more later. So to correct myself: enough of my whingeing for now.