sleep hygeine

You are not meant to use your bed for anything but sleep and sex. Lately, I have been using it for everything but.

i couldn't sleep all night

Pretty much the only time I write anything on this is when I'm pulling allnighters, because as there's nobody to talk to, I stick to talking to no one instead. Plus, this is an excellent way of procrastinating..

Listening to Couldn't Sleep by Milosh. Ironic, because I don't think I'd have any troubly sleeping right now. I love working at this time of night, I feel so creative and intuitive. Only thing is, I really would like a toilet in my room, because I've been drinking way too much water, and I think I'm starting to piss Maman off - dashing to the bathroom every half hour or so, while she's trying to sleep. And you know, she despises disorganisation, which is my middle name, so the fact that I'm pulling an all nighter is not helping the situation I think.

Due to the beach being planned tomorrow, earlier I came to the thought that I'd rather go there fake tanned than an albino. So I tanned up. I now feel like a fake black person. I used the really dark stuff, which is good, and doesn't actually turn orange, but everyone's going to be like "Shit, how did you get so tanned so quickly." Wow, good story.

I really have to pee.

ouch, cramp

Christ, trying to stay awake without coffee is really difficult, I am going to be a zombie in the morning. Well proper morning I mean. I might watch the sunrise though, haven't done that since I was about six. Zombie sounds fitting though, seeing as tomorrow it's Halloween. No party for me, way too much revision to do. Ugh my legs hurt, my eyes keep trying to shut, and I just burnt the bottom of my foot on my laptop plug (no idea why it's hot, that seems like a serious safety issue to me). Very very tired. Except, I will get these done, and afterwards, oh, tres tres bien. Only three exams to go, revision, and then I am DONE.

I have nothing to keep me going, this is so bloody difficult! I am surviving on sparkling mineral water, and the smell of fly spray. Yum yum. Jesus I want a cigarette. I think I'm almost hallucinating I'm that tired though, and I desperately want a shower, I feel so dirty. Apart from I had a shower at like 4 this afternoon. Still, almost 12 hours ago. Wow.

little dinky bits. and yes, im still awake

However this turns out, I'll always remember that night.

And nowhere is always going to lead somewhere, you know.

Fear less, love more.

1.30 evalution of men

"Well, if there's anything we know about me, it's that I have no idea about men."
"Yeah, well that could probably be said for the majority of the female population. Obviously not me however, I totally get them. Some might say I have the brain of a boy, but I know they're just overestimating my intuition into the male psyche."

"I have successfully driven ** offline."
"Maybe he was just tired..?"
"Yeah.. maybe."

1.14 insomnia

"You need to do a lot of evaluation and talking about things after exams."
"Uhh, no I don't..?"
"Yes you do, you are avoiding.. well, everything."
"No I'm not. I'm just trying to be. And it's really fucking hard to be anything when all you're doing is telling me what to be all the bloody time."
"No I don't, you're being ridi..."
"NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS. Goodnight, see you in the morning, sweet dreams."

And on that note, I departed from Maman's bedroom. Jesus.

i can't describe how i am

I'm determined to get through this night without any substances. Such as caffeine or .. well caffeine. Crap I just remembered I took a no doze before. Probably why I'm still surviving.

flashback

Absolutely nothing of consequence has happened in my life, except for me being really cool today, and sitting out on the front steps of the verandah and writing poetry with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. Could I possibly get any more original? Probably not. Meanwhile, it feels like it's 3 o'clock in the morning, and its only 20 to 1. I'm boiling hot, as the weather has reached all time high temperatures. Ok, I'm exaggerating.. it was 30 today, but seeing as I love cold weather so much more than hot weather, and I've been living in 10 degree rain for the past six months, it's a little too extreme for me.

Sat on my bed for an hour topless before, but thought 'oh, what if mother decides to walk in?'. And then she did. But I was clothed by then. Apparently I have 4 assignments due tomorrow, all up worth 70% of my overall grade for two subjects.. And I haven't really done much of any of them. Actually I've almost finished 2, but still. Looks like I'll be pulling an allnighter again, excellent.

Going to the beach tomorrow, it's meant to be exceptionally hot again. Well, even though I hate hot weather, I may as well make the most of the UV rays while they're here. Wouldn't complain if I got a tan. Who am I kidding? I just burn, tan and then it peels off. I wish it would rain again. Rain is just really beautiful and romantic and just suits me so much. Ugh.

Recently accquired a new boy. Don't really want him though. Why does this always happen to me? I want the ones I don't want to want (and shouldn't want), and the ones that want me I get sick of way too easily, even though I should embrace it. I'm way too masochistic for my own good.

wow

"Do you hate me? Say you don't hate me."
"I don't hate you."
"Thankyou. Now if only I didn't hate me."

Why does this sound so much like my life??

halloween

Well here I am, yet again, suffering with my insomnia. Ok, maybe it's not insomnia, maybe I just analyse things too much. If there's one condition I suffer from, its the ability to over think things. Not that it's an ability, more like a curse.

Halloween in less than a week. I might have a halloween bash, possibly dress up as.. I'm not sure, Jack Sparrow or something equally as suitable. I definately think life would be a lot easier if I was a boy.

bleh

I feel completely blank. There is literally nothing here right now. No happiness, but I'm not sad either. Weird. Except for that I love that photo.. and my hair for some reason, no idea why.

But I do feel quite witty however, I just answered a message asking for "details" about what I'm doing right now with:

"Ok, well I haven't cleaned my room for ages so I'm sitting on a pile of clothes, and my beds not made and my work uniform is lying on the heater where I chucked it when I got home. Good enough detail?"

And that is the extent of the excitement in my life!

02:47Felicity
if i wasnt with ***** i would be on him like a rash
02:47Bella
A RASH??
like a sexually transmitted rash..??
HAHAHAHAHA

why is this funny?

01:18Felicity
oi wanna go as dickheads tmrw?
01:18Bella
yeah, im already going as a french person
01:19Bella
what are you going as?
01:20Felicity
im goin as a dickhed
01:21Bella
oh
01:21Bella
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

psychology.. here i come

I think the point of an all-nighter is that you stay up all night.. DOING YOUR WORK. Which seems to be unfortunately, absolutely impossible for me. Can I just say one thing.. cold coffee is really disgusting.

okay, off the herbal tea, onto the hard stuff

Mm, caffeine is calling to me. Yet another late night, attempting to finish my FINAL ASSIGNMENT! Only this one to go! Well for tomorrow anyway. I've got another three to do by next week, but I'm choosing to forget about those until next Monday! And I'm planning on (don't judge me), drink driving to school tomorrow - yes, muck up day calls for alcohol, absolutely ridiculous outfits (I'm dressing as a stereotypical French person), so probably not absolutely ridiculous, as I usually wear stripes and berets anyway. Nevertheless, I am really not looking forward to a possible crash on the way to school tomorrow.. as I've had enough fiascos regarding une petit car this week already - driving into a ditch, backing into someone's car, running over a bird. Bad things come in threes though, yes? I suppose my bad luck is ended then. At least for now. Touch wood.

the unfortunate incident of the car in the broad daylight of a supermarket carpark with tonnes of witnesses

I must admit, I'm quite scared to think I'm officially being released into the wide world as an adult in less than 2 months, and also that I'm running on 3 days without sleep, and a terrible, terrible caffeine addiction. Due to the previously mentioned no sleep, and way way way too much caffeine, I may or may not have accidentally backed into a car in the supermarket carpark (while on my daily venture into society to buy more no doze). And then sped off really fast. This is what life has done to me. I have turned into a horrible bully who crashes into other people's cars and then doesn't even stay to talk to them about it. I almost feel as if I've been involved in a hit and run. Though, obviously not that bad.

On a happier note, I have 8 assignments to do in the next 3 days. Wait, that's not happy news.. I meant to say I'm listening to Coldplay, which I suppose, if I'm being totally honest here, helps me deal with stress. God this feeling is so weird; being so tired that you can hardly keep your eyes open, combined with the feeling of absolute energy, like, I want to jump around and scream at the top of my lungs for about an hour. Ew, caffeine is really not good for me.

I'm quite scared that someone took my numberplate though, and quite possibly reported me to the police, as there were a number of bystanders when this unfortunate backing-into-somebody's-car-and-then-driving-off incident happened. Or maybe the poor person has followed me home, and is, while we speak, taking to the back of my car with a sledge hammer.

Mm, craving a cigarette, but due to the unfortunate incident of someone taking their anger out on my poor little wee car, I'm too scared to go down there to get them. I'll just stick with caffeine. Not quite the same though. But I suppose I have a choice between lung cancer or heart-palpitations (and possible heart-failure). God I really can't decide. Oh wait, it'll be lung cancer AND having my head bashed in with a sledge hammer, or heart palpitations. Plus I really can't be bothered getting up. Even though I really have to clean my room, as it's getting a little bit feral. But you know, these 8 assignments are really calling to me. FUCK. 8 assignments. How did I let this happen???????

And his beautiful grace

This afternoon, as the sun was just beginning to drop behind the line of buildings, and send a glare into the windscreen of my car, I spotted an almost indistinguishable figure, loping along the pavement to my right. I was turning right, to journey along Goodwood Road, and was wearing my driving sunglasses, those ones that have the slight pattern of tortoiseshell, shaped in the style of wayfarers, and, due to this, the figure was ever more camouflaged. I slid my sunglasses down off the bridge of my nose with one finger, and gazed at this mysterious man. He was wearing a black coat, buttoned to the top, double breasted, black jeans, black shoes, glasses the same as mine, yet black also. And his beautiful grace captivated me, the way he held himself, slightly self consciously, yet with such poise, as he loped along the side of the road, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. I was brought to my senses with a car horn blasting behind me, completely captured by this strange figure, and not noticing the red light had turned green. I crunched into gear with a grimace, and tore off, around the corner in first, forgetting to change, not caring, because I just had to catch a glimpse of this beautiful creature once again. He’d crossed the road by the time I reached where he was, and was standing, leaning casually against a bus stop as I drove, admittedly, quite slowly past him. I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed to be openly staring at a stranger. I feel like we met eyes, but I suppose I couldn’t have known either way if he was looking at the strange girl, with the matching red beret and lipstick, who slowed down to look at him as she drove past, as he was still wearing the black glasses. It felt like we had an understanding of each other, and the left corner of his lips twitched and lifted slightly, so I suppose he must have been looking at something; why not me? I wanted to drive back for a closer look, I even toyed with the idea of getting out and talking to him; he looked like such an intuitive person, and even as I write this, I feel I knew this mysterious stranger, if only for a second. But that probably would have spoiled this encounter. I instead, sped up and changed lanes, turning up the melancholy music that was playing from the speakers. I felt tears pricking my eyes, as I thought how I’d lost a moment that felt unique and special. Ashamedly, I cleared my throat, and thought of something else to take my mind off my perfect, beautiful stranger.

define: disparaging

Can't be bothered being coherent, here are some things that may or may not have something to do with my life:

I am truly and utterly the most confused I have ever been, ever.

On a more important and interesting note, I am hopefully getting my BDO ticket tomorrow! CALVIN HARRIS! Oh My God!

For some reason I am really feeling the Christmas spirit. Bring out the brandy and mince pies.

I've developed a dependence on coffee, and have consumed a thermos full of really strong amazing plunger coffee that I brewed for the perfect amount of time so it was literally the best coffee I have ever made.. err, today, and I'm still feeling the aftereffects a little bit.

I desperately need to clean my room, even though I did so literally three days ago. It looks horrible now. I also want to paint it. But I really don't, I just want another room that I can paint bright red and have it as a second bedroom but probably not sleep in it because I'd probably get really bad nightmares.

It's not letting me download music, which is really shitting me off, as I desperately want to listen to Lior.

Oh t'well. I'm going to learn my drama lines. X

6

I just attempted to write ‘instead’ for about 7 minutes, and wrote ‘sin’ at the start every single time. Weird. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? I keep thinking there are heaps of people in dad’s backyard, but I’m just seeing the washing fluttering in the wind. I’m on my fourth coffee of the day, which is alright really, seeing as it’s a bit past five. But I drank almost half a litre of Red Bull before, so I suppose that cancels out any of the coffees that I forwent earlier. But then again, I’ve only been awake for five hours. Those five hours have gone really quite quickly too, unfortunately for me, as I’ve instead of completing the 4000 words I was meant to, I’ve written on this, and attempted to roll a cigarette with dad’s friend’s tobacco and papers (I’m not even going to talk about that experience because it’s just embarrassing – fuck him for not smoking normal ones that are simple and normal and all you have to do is light them), and drank tonnes of liquids (e.g. coffee and energy drinks) and fantasised a little bit about someone, and put on my red beret, and walked around the house, and written 600 words (which is good, but not as good as 4000), and written depressing, shit poetry, and opened the pantry and closed it again because I remembered I’m on a diet, and fantasised a little more, and mentally slapped myself for fantasising, and listened to way too much French jazz, and procrastinated. I think I’m going to be wired forever, I’m actually buzzing THAT MUCH!!

5

Thank fuck for being able to bullshit my way through things such as reviews, essays and life in general really.

4

I can’t decide whether Red Bull tastes nice or like vomit. I’m really proceeding on my drama review, but I suppose this is procrastination, so I will stop writing this, and return to my actual important homework.

3

I actually feel so motivated right now. My fingers and toes are twitching and I really don’t think i’ve ever typed this fast in my life. Papa has just brought me back a coffee, and seeing as I’ve just drank almost half a litre of Red Bull, and already had 3 coffees today, I’m going to be fucking buzzing till like tomorrow morning.

2

Wow. It’s really hit me. I feel on top of the world! Seriously! I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to crash later though. Probably won’t be the best. But now, I am definitely going to write my two drama reviews, and my drama production report, and hopefully my drama individual study, which, by the way is meant to be performed and moderated (ahhahhahahahhahhahha) next Friday, which incidentally is 9 days from now. Fabulous.

1

I can’t fucking think of any of the words that I want to use. I’ve got that condition, that thing, where I actually honestly cannot remember words for anything. And I mean anything.
I really can’t get motivated. I have lost all motivation. And all my brain cells too most probably. I wonder if Red Bull makes brain cells lost to smoking too much ... ahem ... grow back. Or at least make it easier to concentrate. Quote “it probably just makes you jittery”, but fuck it. I bloody hope it makes me more able to concentrate (I’m currently staring at a 473ml Red Bull can debating whether or not to drink it). I have about 35,000 assignments to do before... being honest, tomorrow.

everybody's starry eyed

Yummy, drinking chai, sitting on the floor of my room at dad’s house, and attempting to do all my school work that is outstanding. Listening to Ellie Goulding, that song again, the one that reminds me of a certain lover. Who, incidentally I hate. Oh dear. That may have been a lie.
Anyway, I’m craving a cigarette so much, this whole quitting lark sucks. I have about six blisters on my feet from my new shoes (which are very nice, but still, painful), and a new really sexy skirt, and I spent a whole hour sitting in front of the toilet last night almost throwing up but not quite. Mm, nice. It was that feeling in your throat where you’re almost about to, but then you can’t, so I gave up and went to bed at 9 pm. Best decision I’ve made all holidays. I woke up this morning to discover it was apparently 10.30 even though it was only 9.30, because of bloody daylight saving. I hate losing an hour.
Because I’m staying at dad’s for this weekend (and apparently the majority of this week), I really have little to do except procrastinate, and put off my homework for one more day, play guitar, and fight with my brother. There’s nobody down here to invite over, or go shopping with, or even drink with. Apart from my dad I guess, but that’s not really one of my favourite pastimes.
Am now listening to some remix of Calvin Harris. Can I just mention Calvin Harris is a bloody genius. Well ok, he’s probably not a genius, but I think I’m a little bit in love with him.
I’m now going to go convince father to restring his guitar, so I can work out some chords that have been bugging me for ages, and then HOPEFULLY come back to this homework. But being honest, it’ll probably take me at least 3 hours. I reckon I will also barter a cigarette off him, because I think my addiction brain cells are about to kill me, they seem that angry!

Never know how much I love you; never know how much I care

So I’m sitting, lonesome, listening to Ella as usual, at Papa’s kitchen table, contemplating my life. This is quite pathetic really. I’m going out tonight, again. I am so overwrought with tiredness and all these fucking toxins; I really have no idea why I would put myself through it again. I also have nothing to wear. Am currently rocking my dirty black skinny jeans, my old dark grey low cut backless top, and my new purple flats, but I feel stupid seeing as I’m actually going out with the girls, and they’ll all be in heels and dresses. Oh well, I’m heading to town hopefully soon (apart from Papa’s got my money, so I have to wait until he’s home to grab it off him, which will probably take longer than I would like), so I might buy a nice top or something there. Maybe. I hate everything. Urgh.

ca va?

Yuck, I feel like shit, am desperately lonely and in need of a good hard fuck (except I may be a little too tired for that), and have completely and utterly given up on everything.