yum

Bleugh, it's really rather late, and I just got home from a 'thing', and decided to broadcast that I absolutely love gay guys, especially hot, gay (or preferably bisexual because therefore I can get with them too/at the same time) boys, and especially when they kiss in front of me. Which is what I will be convincing many hot boys to do for me tomorrow night (rather tonight)! Greatly looking forward to it! Meanwhile, I am somehow still up (it's not actually that late, but I'm buggered), and listening to Nina Simone and Ella Fitzgerald and loving every minute of it. I'll probably go to sleep soon.. but I'll stare at this a little longer.

i'm down on my mind

(Friday night)

I'm sitting on my bed with wet hair, a really sore knee (don't know why), and terrible headache, but no regrets from last night. Which is good. Probably because I went somewhere with only 3 other people, and went to sleep at about 11.30 because of the really strong weed that we smoked. Ew, it was seriously like crazy shit. I stood in the kitchen for about 20 minutes staring at the shadows on the wall, that the candles were creating. It was so beautiful hahah.

Anyway, Friday night was insane, it was seriously like an "incest festival" as quoted, but without the incest. It wasn't really a festival either, but everyone got with everyone else, so that was awesome. Plus, in the morning, I overheard a conversation that mainly consisted of a really amazing bisexual boy talking about another really amazing boy using the word "babe". And I saw them kiss and it was amazing. Is that weird? No. I think it's really hot. Anyway, good night all in all, and I still had a full bottle of vodka in the morning.. unusual.

Last night, we made pasta and punch, and then we got high and then we went to sleep. My life is suddenly getting slightly more interesting, as soon as I actually need to be concentrating and doing homework and exam revision. I have to work in an hour and 13 minutes, and I'm planning on sitting on my bed for most of that time doing absolutely nothing, and probably listening to Bon Iver and/or Fleet Foxes. It's really fucking cold, and I have so much stuff to do. Also, I figured out both Friday afternoon, and Friday night that I think I'm in love, except last night I changed my mind. Screw being this indecisive!

my heart is yours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=406UcAk8cpU
(Old but awesome)

I hate it when people either say 'bf', or write it, if they're not taking the piss. It actually annoys the hell out of me. In bit of an irritable mood. I kindof want to punch everyone and everything in the face. May be because I'm cleaning my room, and also due to my straightner blowing up on the weekend, mother buying me a new one, and it being really shit and ripping out my hair. Oh, and I have no money. Like absolutely none.

Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration, I had a fairly alright day, until just before. Previously however, I wanted to kiss everyone and everything. That's NOT an exaggeration. I think I have the cosmic horn. I think I bloody fancy my piano, so that must count for something yes? Unfortunately though, I have failed at my attempt to quit. I think I might need to go to rehab. They probably don't have rehab for tobacco however. Or spending money for that matter, both terribly unhealthy addictions of mine.

On a more positive note, I think I may be forced to become either asexual or a worm.

My eyes keep crossing and uncrossing. I'm fairly sure I'm not affected by any substances, apart from the 27 panadols I had today. I'm bored and tired. I hate cleaning. This sucks.

As usual, I am completely and utterly confused about life. As usual, I have absolutely no idea what's going on. But after tonight, I feel like everything's slightly better.

It's not often that I get this nostalgic. I think it's the weather.

holiday

Quote of the day:
"What's your dad done with the rhinocerous?"

Thanks mum, you never fail to make my day better.

Ooh, I put on my shoes and I’m ready for the weekend

That’s a lie, I am so not liking this weekend. It’s Saturday, and already I’ve experienced loss, pain and euphoria. Oh, and a smidgen of depression. And that was all last night. Except for the euphoria. That bit was also a lie. I have an infected mosquito bite on my arm, and on my cheek. And unfortunately it’s a really beautiful day. Why does the weather get nice, as soon as I feel like it should be raining, constantly? How ironic. Actually, there’s nothing to report. I have a really boring life. Apart from dad having a marijuana crop in his back shed. I will now proceed to complain about all the things in my life that are shit.

My hair is not behaving, so it’s in a massive bun on top of my head (outcome: I look like a twat), and I have an infected mosquito bite on my cheek. It’s way worse than the one on my arm. I woke up this morning, and it was so itchy, so I itched it. Outcome: now it’s massive and red.

Thursday night I got really drunk, thought about walking home from F’s house, decided against it (even though it’s probably only about 50 metres away). Outcome: yesterday I had the worst hangover ever, at school. It was hell. And last night I was really shitty. Outcome: for some ridiculous reason, I bawled for about two hours. And that’s not even an exaggeration.

I want to go shopping, but I only have $50 to last me until Thursday, but I’m really supposed to be paying my phone bill, which I owe an extra 72 on. Outcome: I have no phone access until I’ve paid it off. Shite. But not having a phone for... 19 days, is actually quite refreshing. Really fucking annoying, but good. Outcome (positive): I don’t send pointless text messages now, like the stupid ones I found in my drafts, drunken ones, which I’ve saved because my phone’s been cut off (because I enjoy being reminded of embarrassing things I’ve written whilst intoxicated). Things like: ‘tgis ir shnply shit’ (translation: ‘this is simply shit’) , and ‘in sooo jealous, i want to but out my own eyebals’ (translation: i’m so jealous, i want to cut out my own eyeballs’ I had my phone on dictionary for this one), etc. Not sure what I was talking about in either of those messages, but eh, whatever. I also found another one saying ‘I’m sorry’ (surprisingly spelt right), with my whole entire phonebook selected as the recipients. Obviously I have collective guilt. Not sure what that means, but probably not the guilt bit, seeing as I can’t seem to feel any kind of emotion that requires a conscience.

Anyway, some good things (with possible downsides) are:
I haven’t had a cigarette for a week and about 12 hours. Since last Friday night. Even though I really want one, right now, and also have been having cravings for most of the time during the past week. And I have no money to buy some more, besides, C has my packet in his underpants drawer. Remind me to get them off him. Downside: I am experiencing crippling cravings. Upside: How good is my alliteration?!

Its only 20 past 3, so I have time to walk down to the shops and buy things. Preferably not food, as I’ve decided to become an anorexic. Downside: loss of money and being hungry forever.

I have a lock on my door, as I am at father bear’s house this weekend, which basically gives me permission to do naughty things in my room that I would otherwise refrain from doing if I didn’t have a lock. Downside: I share a room with my brother.

I have extra time to write my history essay, which is now 799 words. Downside: most of the 799 words is either a) dot points or b) stuff off the internet. c) it is meant to be finished and emailed to my teacher by Sunday night. Which is tomorrow. I really don’t think I’m going to get it done.

I may possibly have either bipolar, or a narcissistic personality. Or both. Downside: is there a downside? If I have bipolar, I get legally prescribed medication, and if I have narcissism, then, well, I just have a huge ego. Why is that a disorder? I think that's pretty awesome actually. Apart from I heard a story about an actual real narcissist, who used to wank in front of a mirror. Not sure if I'd go that far..

Fuck this, I’m going shopping.

I am Jack's broken heart

I feel so sick. I just ate way too much, actually for the past two days I've basically been stuffing my face, really have no idea why. Comfort food probably. Because I haven't got what I wanted? And right now, instead of writing my history essay, which is due tomorrow, and counts for 20% of the overall grade (and I've only written 329 words out of 2000), I'm watching Fight Club. Success is my middle name. But it's probably the best movie ever. I'm up to the bit where Eddy Norton finds out he's actually Tyler Durden. "All the ways you wish you could be, thats me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck. I'm smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways you are not."

If I had the choice, I'd have a alter-ego who fit all those criteria. I reckon that'd be fucking sweet! But anyway.

Got home from work before, and the door to my room was wide open. Bit weird, seeing as it was pitch dark, and raining.. and I'm fairly sure I locked it this morning. And then I realised the key that I leave in the inside wasn't there anymore. So I asked mother and une petit Diablo. Neither of them have taken it apparently. Which is great. There's some random person running around, with the keys to my room. Probably. Actually I think I'm just being paranoid again. To be quite honest, they're probably in my bag. I still am considering getting my lock changed though..

I need a new job. My current one, as a check out chick (woooo) doesn't really pay enough for my ever increasing debts. I owe lots to society, but mostly to my poor phone company. I was thinking, being a porn star would get you shit loads yes? Not sure if I want to get my kit off infront of a camera though. Might be a bit strange, especially as I have a major problem with people seeing me naked anyway.

Edward Norton looks like a massive twat when he's running around in underwear. Wouldn't stop me marrying him though.

why can't i realise, i'm fighting for my life

I am truly in love with him


I hate not knowing where I stand. And not in terms of other people, it makes sense to not know what other people think about you. But just in terms of my own feelings and shit, not knowing what I, myself, thinks is really fucking with my own head. And I'm fairly sure that doesn't even make sense. I'm actually quite used to being a really indecisive person, but it's surprisingly getting to me, for the first time in my life. One thing I do know, however, is that although I pretend not to care about most things, I actually care a hell of a lot. Especially about everything. Ugh, I'm going to go try and sort my head out. It might actually have to involve pharmaceuticals.

well fair enough if you want to be a complete and utter twat about it...

I want an elephant in my room

I'm a really indecisive person. I'm quite jealous. I also cry too much. Probably way too much. Some might say I'm pathetic. But I'm not, I cry for no reason a lot of the time. Probably most of the time about nothing. And dare I say it, I'm sitting naked on my bed apart from a towel, and it's quite chilly, and past midnight and I'd really rather like it to be the summer holidays already.

On the weekend, I almost kissed a gay boy. Yes, you heard right. Well ok, that's a bit of a lie.. I don't think he's actually gay, but he looked so much like it, I swear he's only pretending to be straight, which should probably be offensive to me, as he told one of my friends that he thought I was gorgeous. Wow, cheers, gorgeous in a 'you-look-like-a-bloke' way, and therefore I'm really keen, orr..? How awkward.

Still in a towel, and it's actually really fucking cold. Successful day though.. I got accused of abusing panadol, which apparently has links to 'mental illness'. Thanks mum, I'm so glad you love me so much that when I show signs of being a drug addict, you ask me if I want help dealing with my issues, it means a lot. But really, if I wanted to be a drug addict, I'd clearly be addicted to something much cooler than fucking paracetemol. Hello, heroin?!

I also decided that I have no idea what I want, or whether I want it or not, and as I was saying on le phone before, "at least if I want it then I know what I want, even if I can't have it, but if I don't know if I want it or not, then it's confusing and shit, and sometimes I want it and other times I don't, but I still do...", and that was basically the conversation.

More awkward moments, I had a dream the other day that I tried to fuck someone's brother. How embarrassing. And it didn't even happen in real life. I'm still really ashamed. Then, I helped someone parachute by letting them stand on my head. I have a really odd subconcious mind. Weird. I actually have the strangest dreams though. I'm also still naked. And I discovered the other day that I may possibly be in love with my vagina. Eew, probably a little too much information. However, I also love geraniums. But I don't love standing in the kitchen by myself, waiting for the kettle to boil, and then freaking out because I thought there was someone out the window. Yes, I am just a little bit paranoid..

Ahh I wish it would rain. And I love Craig David, seriously I may possibly have to marry him. That's if my engagement to Russell Brand falls through.

Bonsoir! x

bonne nuit

a sexy girl who I look really similar to, naked. actually not really at all

Due to my absolute failure to concentrate or do any work whatsoever until the night before it is finally due (either that or never...), I am, once again, attempting to pull an allnighter. And yes, I've never done it before. The latest I lasted was almost 4, and that was pathetic - I didn't even finish my assignment. However, I am determined to finish both my english essay and child studies.





Except hang on.. I really just can't be bothered.. Umm I think I may as well just go to bed. Weirdly enough, I just lost all enthusiasm in literally about 10 seconds. However, before when I was shaving my legs, I slit open my knee, and after getting out of the shower, I paraded around the house in a towel for about half an hour, because I suddenly had the impression that I look fucking awesome in just a towel. Yeah, I think I just got a massive bout of high self esteem. No idea why about that either. Ehh, whatever, I'm fucked for everything now but I don't care. I am off to wank, and sleep. Hahahah you probably think I'm joking.


Bonsoir! x

jesus

My knees are throbbing. And I have no idea what to do.

???

And I just went through my documents folder, because I really like procrastinating, and found all these awesome quotes, from me and other sources and they’re all fucking brilliant hahahha:

'you’ve always been selfish. Thats ok. you used to do things because you wanted something.. fine. makes sense. but now, now, you do things because you can. you fuck with people.
(I find that sometimes when I’m not meaning to, I find all these things that relate to my life like so much.. weird isn’t it)

Naomi: Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires and he doesn't have the bottom to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, wanks off about Ophelia, and as it's so boring, somebody has to kill him.Josie: I'm not sure that's right. Th-there's no wanking in Hamlet.Naomi: Mmhh yeah, there is. Loads. Only, they call it 'Soliloquy'
(And we’re even doing Hamlet in English at the moment. This is well creepy..)

"this is my bed. it would like to meet you... and get to know you..."
And that ^^ was a quote from this one time when I was upset and my best friend was trying to cheer me up, and it really worked hahhaha

l'amour

moi, être un idiot - aussi, parvenir éventuellement le sexe oral de la statue

I’m sitting in dad’s new kitchen, as he and his friend and une petit Diablo are off gallivanting around the place (as usual). They have left me to eat stale salt and vinegar chips and some weird tasting caramel latte thing out of a packet, and I’m really not enjoying myself too much, however there is a bottle of vodka next to the microwave which I may possibly steal. Hahah, I’m really not that low a person.
Yesterday, I drank a bottle of wine at lunch, and ran around the botanic gardens with a cohort of equally whitely dressed people (it was a white picnic). And then I returned home to a family dinner party and I was still a wee bit trashed, and I had to greet the familie pretending not to be, and my aunt (Mum’s sister) looked at me in disgust because, to put it how maman put it, she has ‘antipathy’ towards me, which reminds me of ‘antipasto’ because I’m craving bocconcinis and dolmades right now, but my aunt ‘P’, looked at me in disgust (may have had something to do with the tiny shirt dress I was wearing, and also that I smelt like way too much CK perfume to cover up what I’d been smoking), and I felt awkward, and went to the kitchen and drank 6 cups of water in a row, and my uncle (Mum’s brother), who was in the kitchen stirring the curries, took one look at me and asked me if I was on drugs. Successful day. Oh, and then I drank like 3 more glasses of wine at dinner, and basically almost threw up a number of times, but the food was too good to throw it up so I just felt really sick, and lay on the floor in front of the TV, watching Angelica Houston play the Grand High Witch in the movie interpretation of Roald Dahl’s ‘The Witches’, which by the way is shit.
On Friday, I came home at about 11, feeling like crap and had a huge shower, and then proceeded to get really really horny and call my best friend complaining about how I couldn’t have anyone over because that would be weird (even though I had the house to myself), and it was really crap and terrible and I wanted to hit myself over the head with something really heavy.
And now, I’m sitting at the table of dad’s new house (which I already mentioned), and I’m meant to be writing my Individual English Essay, which is so far 681 words out of the 2000 that it’s meant to be, and due tomorrow, and the other day mother told me father told her that I’d have to repeat Year 12 next year, which I wouldn’t do even if I failed, because that would be shit. I’ll just move to Greece, and live on a boat and do nothing all day. Thankyou, goodnight.

Day off school, so that means I'm exceptionally hungover, and instead of doing homework as I should be, I'm watching The Dreamers. I think I'm getting a little bit turned on by Louis Garrell. Actually I don't think, I really am. I'm home alone too, which means I may possibly have to either wank or go eat some food.