i said i said i said i said, keep it casual

It's strange, I thought that the relief of finishing school, and not having any (particular) responsibilities would make me feel so much better about my life. But the funny thing is, I'm still stuck in a pattern of lonliness and masochistic despair. Sounds really wanky but it's true. I'm sitting in my room in my un-made bed, with everything strewn across the floor, listening to Kreuzberg, and Letter to my Son by Bloc Party (on my laptop, as someone tore the fly screen of my friend's beach house and stole my iPod), and having a little bit of a cry. I feel really panicky most of the time, and my heart feels like someone is squeezing it. I truly have no love for anything right now. And the horrible thing is, I constantly do things that make me feel even worse about everything/myself.
So, ridiculously, my mind is having an unwanted conversation with itself, and I really just want to chill out and forget about everything that made me stressed over the year (and my whole life maybe..?).
I think I'm going to paint my nails. Black. Excellent choice for my dark mood.